What to Expect When Getting a Thai Massage in Thailand

The place where it all went down. I didn't see the "porn" part in the sign when I walked in.

Two facts about Thailand: 1) The mattresses are hard. 2) Cheap massages are available everywhere. Perhaps the mattress people are in cahoots with the massage people. I don’t know, but I do know that after 20 days in Thailand it was time for me to get a full body Thai massage.

I walked into the first massage place I found. It was simple looking; void of the “Health Treatment”, “Spa”, and “Thermapeutic” signs that I had seen outside of other places. A lady greeted me and had me sit in a chair while she got a bucket of water that had lime wedges floating in it. She washed my feet. I felt bad for her. Not because I had really stinky feet or some kind of uncontrollable foot fungus, it just seemed like a degrading task.

When my feet were clean she invited me into the back room where two men were laying on mats on the floor as Thai women massaged them. I changed into some brown, baggy pants and then splayed myself out, face up, on a mat next to a quietly groaning man. I rested my head on a pillow and closed my eyes, listening to the Thai music that played softly in the background. My masseuse went to work, starting on my feet and working her way up my legs. It was extremely relaxing. After spending about twenty minutes on my legs she moved on to my arms – rubbing, squeezing, and driving her elbow into the muscles.

My two biggest concerns going into this were: 1) Getting an erection, and 2) farting. Let me just go ahead and say that neither of these embarrassing bodily functions occurred, not from me at least, even though she brushed up against my special area on several occasions.

After finishing my arms, I was politely flipped over and work began on my back and shoulders. She sat on my butt and drove the heel of her hands up my back. Her hair hung down, lightly tickling my face. It felt blissful. I was her magic carpet as we flew to an enchanted place together. She had me flip over and lean up against her while she rubbed my neck; still on our way to someplace special, this time she was the vehicle – a flying La-Z-Boy chair. Suddenly, as we approached our destination, she turned on me. Grabbing my arms and pulling them behind me, she put her feet on my back and pushed me away from her. It hurt and reminded me of a move I had seen earlier in the day while watching Japanese pro wrestling. Sensing that I wasn’t going to tap out, she switched to another pain inducing submission hold. Ow! Why are you doing this to me? Ow! I thought we had something – Ow! — special.

I wish I could say there was a happy ending to this story. Not that kind of happy ending! She released me and told me, “okay done”. I got dressed, paid my 130 Baht ($4.30) and walked out feeling used and abused. She had led me on, made me feel like we could have had a joyous life together, and then left me with a sharp stabbing pain in my back.